FOOD NOTES: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE YUMMY

I get asked a lot about how life is after the 12-week nutrition program and my most honest answer would be: It's Life. 

Before you think I'm trying to get all existential zen hippie on you, I'm talking about life as it is — it's reality. After the program that had us follow a very structured and regimented system of meal plans (at least for the first 8 weeks), getting released back into the real world where real life takes over real fast almost felt like I was some feral child being turned loose in the jungle. 

So what does a wild thing entering the world of Jumanji do? I quickly fell back to old habits of bingeing, eating my emotions, the old I've-screwed-up-so-let's-go-all-the-way manner of stuffing my face, and letting myself go completely during my travels. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I didn't do great on the program. I really did, for the 12 weeks that I was on it, that is. Because if there's anything this perfectionist of a girl can do, it's follow a plan to a T. 

I got some great stuff out of it. Real solid education that I will keep with me for life — I learned about the real effects of sugar consumption, about glycogen and fat stores, portion sizes, and most of all, I reiterated the fact that if I put my mind to something, I can do anything. Mind over matter. 

But ultimately, is basing my maintenance calories at a template of 1,400-1,500 when I work out and expand as much energy as I do something that will in turn put my health and body at risk? Have I actually fried my metabolism by forcing my body to sustain my daily living at such low calories and macros?

Is being wary of fruit because of all the eviiiillllll sugars hidden in it even normal (don't even get me started on how much I avoided bananas)? Is maintaining protein levels at higher than 2 grams per pound of body weight or making sure it accounts for 50% of my macro intake, even the right mindset to adopt? Is eschewing carbs like they're the devil's own spawn really right? (I mean, God granted manna to the Israelites when they were wandering in the desert, so carb must be life-giving aye? 😀)

These are all questions that have come up increasingly frequently as I make the transition back to real life. Ultimately, after weeks of the binge-restrict cycle returning to rear its ugly head, I've come to this one conclusion:

There is no such thing as GOOD FOOD. Just as there is no such thing as BAD FOOD.

Blueberries were a fruit we were told to eat during the program because they're super low in sugar. They're healthy because they're natural — no doubts there. But if I eat 4 punnets of blueberries in one go, are they still considered a food that is GOOD for me?

Conversely, if I have fries gloriously twice-fried in duck fat and then reject an offer for another serving because I'm full, are they to be taken as a BAD food because well, they're deep-fried and processed?

No.

Maybe food is just food, and we're the ones who have over-complicated everything. 

In my years battling with bingeing, and extreme yoyoing between that and restriction, I've come to realize that nothing about nutrition is black and white. It's only about what works for you. Balance comes when you're eating to fuel your needs, your physical and mental goals, and when you are able to heed the hunger and satiation cues your body sends you. 

Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you're full.

There isn't a one-size-fits-all formula when it comes to nutrition. Sure, I function really well on a high-protein, lower-carb diet, but I also know that satisfying a craving for a croissant with two boiled eggs will only bring the binge monster on hard when I finally have run out of ways of avoiding the delectable concoction that is France's greatest contribution to mankind. Because I deprived myself of it and forced myself away from what I truly wanted, instead of traipsing to Urban Bakery and getting myself one full-butter croissant, someone like me would likely wind up bingeing on four croissants, and then moving on to devouring an entire bag of Cheetos, a jumbo pack of white chocolate buttons, an entire roll of lemon cream crackers and still be rummaging through the snack cupboards for more stuff I actually don't even crave. Just because I already stuffed up by eating the forbidden croissant, I might as well take it to the next level and start on a clean slate tomorrow.

We all know where that story leads.

**

I know, some of you might be asking: Who are you? Are you actually that same girl who was preaching about the importance of adapting the body to ketosis or giving tips on how to stick to your diet while traveling?

Good questions. I'm not quite sure either, but I can't say I don't like the way this is going.

Something shifted in me mentally the last week and I find myself backing a completely different attitude toward nutrition, which in a nutshell, is this: 

In order to stop bingeing for good, I need to UNDIET and start unlabeling food as purely GOOD or purely BAD.

The last few weeks after the program ended have been tumultuous, but this Jumanji has also shown me that memories will always be more important than any diet. In order to fully embrace real life and enjoy moments with the family and friends I love to bits, I need to stop fearing food, to stop sticking rigidly to high-protein everything and miss out on the things that matter.

The picture right on top captures an amazing cheese and charcuterie feast my sister put together the night before my brother proposed to the love of his life in Brisbane, and rather than worry about whether I was going to make my glycogen tank overflow with the indulgence, I was able to really relish in the joy of being with family — such a gift since we're living in three separate countries. Being together is rare and the joy we shared over the dairy-and-gluten-filled meal was so precious. This is what truly matters.

Truth be told, I also think part of what has led to this complete mindset shift is the simple fact that I'm sick of missing out. I'm sick of not being able to fully share and indulge in the moments with my nearest and dearest that I might never get back. I'm sick of pushing all the 'bad' foods to my husband, and trying to weigh all the 'good' food to make sure my macro count tallies up.

I'm sick of traveling and only allowing myself to indulge on a cheat day Sunday. I'm sick of missing out on experiencing new cultures and cuisines because I have a long list of fear foods that might hamper my hard-fought metabolic flexibility. I'm sick of bingeing my brains out the moment I touch some forbidden fruit and naively promising myself that I'd do it one last time and never again. 

I'm tired of regrets, of constant ups and downs that I created with my own two hands. I'm tired of not really fully living and tasting life. 

Just to be clear, I'm not writing up a manifesto in order to justify another series of massive binges or an overhaul to the way I eat. But I truly believe that for the first time in a decade, I finally have the key to beating the binge for good.

I still believe eating a diet rich in unprocessed, natural foods is good, and making smart choices about portion sizes or eating a lighter meal after a more indulgent one is the way to go. I still like salmon and vegetables, and this particular version at Mercato is a regular favorite that I will pick over fettucine carbonara any day.

What's changed is that I'm no longer going to lead a life of deprivation, spearheaded by a laundry list of fear foods and 'bad' foods. I'm going to eat intuitively and trust the process of undieting. 

Sure, my tummy might feel fluffier for now and I might not have the spanking washboard abs I had after the program, but I also know that my body's smart enough to regulate itself back to equilibrium, repairing my metabolism to allow me to consume significantly higher calories and maintain myself at a healthy, ideal weight.

And in the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy this newfound epiphany of liberation and make sure I live my real life of memories over macros.